poem 026
he’s so happy
so patient with them
i see picture after picture of father and daughter
laughing
smiling
captions full of this unmatched and powerful love
sometimes i freeze when i hear a song that reminds me of you, dad.
i feel like i can’t move, i feel walls forming around my conflicted heart
maybe i’m not being fair
maybe you got the short end of the stick
i ended up with mom and you found someone else
you created this life together
you look happier
she’s pretty, dad.
she’s not mom, but she’s pretty, dad.
she won’t be her, dad.
but you look happier
there’s this feeling i can’t shake when i stall
when you smile
when i look in the mirror and see someone resembling you
i can’t not hear your laugh or see your smile
but it’s coming to an end
i’m settling down, all alone now.
i’m doing better without you, dad
i won’t go back to that place again
but maybe it’s not
maybe it’s not your fault, dad
maybe we outgrew you.
even as i regain my mobility and press play
the thought never seems to goes away,
even though i don’t need you
even though we don’t need you
it still runs it’s course through my head
why not me?
why didn’t you fight for her?
for us?
the days never slow down, dad.
you relive the same day again and again
and i hope you find some relief from the pain of old age
some relief from the grey hairs and back pain
i hope you find yourself a place to rest
i hope someday we can sit down for a bowl of soup with a side of rice
at that long table with those wooden chairs i had to jump on to rest for a meal
i hope someday we can sit down and listen to each other
i hope someday i’ll stop crying as the terminals end
i hope someday i can leave
and refrain from turning around to wave goodbye.
someday, dad
happy fathers day.
